For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. - Psalm 139:13-16 

 Parents, recognize the sameness of your children. This may be a surprising take on this passage. It is clear that here, David is highlighting the specific knowledge God has of David in particular. David is unique. That will be the focus of a future article. For this article, the focus is on how children are the same and not different.

Ways Children Are the Same

 What about this passage should lead parents to recognize the sameness of their children to other children? By sameness, I mean the ways in which one child is the same as other children. I mean the qualities and characteristics that are universal, not unique.

Here is a list of basic observations from this passage about the ways that all children are the same.

• All children’s inward parts are formed by God. 
• All children are knitted together by God in a mother’s womb.
• All children come from God.
• All children have their days numbered.
• All children are fearfully and wonderfully made.
• All children are known completely by God.

I take it as obvious that readers of David’s words here would not interpret him to be saying that these things only apply to him. I am aware of no one who interprets it that way. David is not recognizing something that is unique to him, but is true of every person.

Why is this worth emphasizing? It is worth emphasizing because we live in an individualistic society. As a result, we tend to over-emphasize our uniqueness and under-emphasize our sameness. To hear some parents talk about their children, it is as though there was never a child anything like theirs, that never shared the same characteristics. As a result, no one else could possibly understand their child, except perhaps some expert in a particular area of child development. More parents seem to think their children are special cases than seems possible. Because parents fail to recognize how much is shared between children, and indeed all people, they can easily lose hope for their children when things are difficult.

 It is better and more encouraging for parents to remember how much their children share in common with all other children. This allows parents to assume their children are like other children as a default instead of treating their children as complete unknowns that perhaps no one will ever understand. If the default is that all children are totally unique, this does not lead to appreciation of a child’s uniqueness as much as a belief that a child cannot be understood, which is deceptively unhelpful. It is unhelpful because the first sign of difficulty with a child can lead a parent toward despair that anything can be done for their child.

What Unites Children Is More Fundamental Than What Distinguishes Them

When parents remember that the God who formed their child’s inward parts, who knitted them together in their mother’s womb, who numbered their days, who made them fearfully and wonderfully, and who knows them completely, also does the same with every other child, parents can breathe a sigh of relief that, for all the things that make their child unique, what their child has in common is more fundamental to what they are and how they work. That is a long sentence, but it is an important one.

Many parents today seem to labor under the assumption that individual people are unique, so unique that the experience of one person is incomparable to the experience of another. Thus, the particular problems a child has, a child’s proclivities, behavioral issues, likes or dislikes, come from a place that the parents cannot and do not understand at a fundamental level. People are treated as though their distinctions from other people are so profound that, in effect, parents are more limited in their ability to know their children than a passage like Psalm 139 would indicate.

The result of treating people as unknowably different is that it creates gaps between people that do not have to be there. Why should a child who is difficult to understand for a parent be impossible to understand? There is no warrant in Scripture for arriving at that conclusion. 

 Don’t Confuse New Experiences and Unique Cases

 How, then, should parents recognize their child’s sameness? Parents do this by remembering that they should not confuse their children with their new experience. Children will present a number of behaviors and characteristics which are unfamiliar to their parents. This is normal. Even if every child in the history of the world has done something, it may be new to this set of parents. Parents do not download all the knowledge and experience of those who came before automatically. Parents have limited knowledge with limited experience. Parents have not seen everything that other parents have. Parents’ knowledge of children is often limited to a very limited number of actual children: their own. Parents should remember that their experience is limited, and therefore their ability to recognize what is unique is hampered by the small sample size. Learning what is unique about their child will take time, and that is a good thing.

Why is this encouraging and helpful to parents? It is so because it gives parents a reason to be patient with their children and with their own progress in parenting. Parents often believe they must figure everything out now. If something is off, then they are quick to suspect that their child has a rare condition or some deficit. Of course, parents should respond to signs of health issues and be sure that they are getting the best care possible for their children, but it should not be a parents’ expectation that their child will be other than ordinary. There are many extraordinary situations, tragic situations and happy ones. But what makes them extraordinary is that they are unusual. They are not common by definition. Parents should let extraordinary cases be just that–extraordinary—and not assume that their child is so on scanty evidence. It only cultivates fear and hypervigilance, which is not a recipe for godly parenting, but for anxious parenting.

 This view of parenting also motivates parents to talk with other parents, especially older couples in church, or perhaps their own parents, to ask about raising children and their experience. When a new mom learns that what she’s going through with her baby is the same thing that her 73 year-old sister in Christ went through 45 years ago, the new mom can take heart that if God saw through this mom, then God can see her through these days too.

Children are unique, but they are also the same. The sameness of children is a healthy balance against the uniqueness that is so often the focus for parents today. Appreciating children’s sameness not only helps parents to be more calm and measured in their parenting, but also points them back and up to their Creator, from whom all good things come, including children.