Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger…¨ - Ephesians 6:4a (ESV)
The command to fathers not to provoke their children to anger is juxtaposed with the command to nurture or raise them in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. In other words, Paul is contrasting two alternatives so that he can reject the one and encourage the other. Provoking children to anger is opposed to nurturing them or raising them. There is also a hidden comparison between the nurturing or raising that is done “in the Lord” and the provoking to anger that is perhaps best described as “in the flesh.”
What does it mean to provoke to anger? It is a rare term in the New Testament, but it is closely related to a more typical term for wrath or anger. In our passage, Paul simply adds a prefix that makes it a wrath that someone produces or causes. Although the children are the ones who are angry, fathers can provoke them to it.
Provocation Is Prevalent
How does this happen? Why is it a problem? It may be tempting to interpret Paul to be addressing a particular issue in Ephesus, and that may be true, but it should not be difficult for fathers everywhere to make the connection between this verse and what often happens in homes. How many times have we seen or heard of a child becoming frustrated and angry? There are countless movies, tv shows, novels, short stories, and songs that contain just this kind of scene. It is not only in literature and film. It also happens in real life, including in my own life with my own children.
Much of parenting is a battle of wills. Children want what they want and parents want what they want, and the two sets of wills rarely align. This means that one side’s will must win out against the other,or that there must be some sort of compromise. What cannot be the case is that both sides get what they want all the time.
For many parents, successful parenting boils down to their children having the same will and desires as their parents. This means that the children act the way the parents want them to act, talk the way parents want them to talk, and choose what the parents want them to choose. In other words, it is tempting for parents to define successful parenting in terms of a child who is completely subordinated to the will of the parents.
However, parents should want children to develop an independence rather than a total subordination. Success is not defined by having the same will but by joining in the pursuit of wisdom in living for God. Parents’ goal should not be that children will want everything the parents want and do everything the parents want them to do. The parents’ goal should be that their children trust in and follow Christ.
Proper Perspective on Parenting
Fundamentally, parenting is not about parents. Parents are a means by which men and women made in God’s image grow up to honor and love Him. This does not mean that parents can or should expect their children will be saved. Children are not saved by the parents’ work but by God’s grace. Parents should be seeking to raise their children to know and follow the Lord. Parenting is a stewardship, a responsibility given by God that involves the exercise of an authority that is delegated to them by God.
If parents make parenting all about them, then provoking children to anger will be that much harder to avoid. Parents who are strongly motivated to give their children a better childhood than they had will be tempted to invest their hope in the flourishing and gratitude of their child. If the child fails to realize his potential or grows up to be ungrateful and selfish, these parents may become bitter and resentful, making conflict with children much more likely.
Parents may provoke children to anger in any number of ways. Standards may be too high. Tempers may be short. Circumstances may be difficult. In any case, parents need to remember that children are not calm, peaceable, and gentle by nature. Children are unreasonable, foolish, uncontrolled, and ignorant. Parents can and should teach and guide their children away from these things, but children cannot be expected to adopt changes immediately. This means that, for all the needs for growth that parents see in their children, parents need to be patient and gentle even as they are firm. If parents forget and push their children too hard and too quickly, children are likely only to become frustrated by their inability to be what their parents are demanding that they be.
There are many ways parents may provoke their children to anger. The specific causes are as unique as the people and circumstances involved, but the principles are the same: foolishness, ignorance, hastiness, rashness, frustration, selfishness, harshness, and cruelty all contribute to provoking children to anger. Needless to say, it is much harder than it might seem to the outside observer not to provoke children to anger.
Of course, children may become angry through no fault of the parents at all. If children do become angry, it should be the parents’ goal that the children’s anger be despite the lack of provocation on the parents’ part rather than because of it. Some children will be more prone to becoming angry than others. When they do, the parents can apply the gospel to that problem in their children’s lives just like they can to every other problem. For parents, every problem in their children’s lives is an opportunity for children to learn how the gospel of Jesus Christ offers the only hope worth their trust.
For parents who are convicted by the sin of provoking their children to anger, the remedy is the same for them as for their children: run to the gospel of Christ Jesus and cling to the promises of forgiveness, reconciliation, and sanctification. Christian parents are able to put off the old self with its deceitful desires in favor of putting on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.[1] If parents have been provoking their children to anger, they need do it no longer. They can repent and they can change. As they do, they can be about the business of raising their children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
[1] Ephesians 4:20-24.