Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” - Ephesians 6:1-3 (ESV)
This article is an introduction to a series on parenting. It is designed to help parents understand what Scripture says about the role of parents in their children’s lives from key passages on raising children.
It can be tough being a kid. Children, including my own, often think that being a grown-up is better because it is easier to be in authority than to be under authority. We parents can agree with this in part. There is a freedom to being in authority that those under authority do not have. There is greater latitude, flexibility, and margin for parents to act than for children. Children are mistaken, however, in believing that it is easier to be in authority than under authority.
However, one key idea of this series is that parenting, raising children, is as difficult and trying an endeavor as a person will ever undertake. I have seen adults wearing T-shirts that say things like, “You can’t scare me; I have 3 boys.” Sometimes, the shirts mention girls instead of boys. The shirt is making an exaggerated claim that there is nothing more terrifying than raising children. This claim is funny because it has a certain basis in truth; parenting well is an exceedingly difficult challenge. If or when someone does it well, they are likely to have the confidence to face other challenges that would have intimidated them before.
Although Ephesians 6:1-3 is directed at children, there are several inferences that parents can draw as they seek to understand how to parent biblically and faithfully.
First, parents are to be obeyed. This means that parents must exercise authority. Otherwise, it makes no sense for children to be told to obey them. For parents to honor the Lord in how they raise their children, they must learn to command their children and exercise authority over them.
Second, if obedience to parents is a recipe for a long and healthy life, then parents must know how to live better than their children. Children do not come into the world as reliable guides of their own lives. Children, left to themselves, generally will not do well. Parents, then, must be able to direct their children in the way they should go so that their children can experience and pursue what is right, good, and true rather than things that lead to destruction. If parents cannot or will not do this for themselves, how will they help their children?
Third, if children must be taught to obey parents, then there is a danger that they will obey or follow someone else. In Proverbs 1, the father warns his son from going with friends who invite him to go in the way of sinners. The war for influence over children is prominent in Proverbs and is also implicit in this passage. Who will teach children how to live? It must be the parents. Parents must recognize that they have competition, and it is stiff. The world is full of offers that look bright and shiny from a distance. It is often not until a child finds himself in the middle of it that he can see its ugliness.
Fourth, if children are commanded to obey, and if their future depends on it, then they must not be trusted to make all of their own decisions. Children need guidance, structure, and discipline that they cannot be expected to provide for themselves. This is part of the evil of trends like gender-affirming care, which allows children to identify themselves as something that they are not. Children must learn what God says so that they have an answer when someone says, “Did God really say…?” Parents should teach their children what God has said. This means that parents do not have authority because they say so. Parents have authority because God says so. Parents must exercise that authority by teaching children what God has said and modeling the same submission to God that parents want from their children. From there, at least in terms of understanding, it is relatively simple for a child to grow up and understand what submission to God looks like.
It is striking that the first commandment with a promise has to do with parenting. If children obey, then things will go well and they will live long in the land. Although this promise was first given to the people of Israel in reference to the Promised Land in Exodus 20, there is still carryover to today. Children who obey their parents in the Lord are children who submit to what is good, right, and true, and do not reject it in favor of something that is bad, wicked, or false.
There seems to be a recurring theme of the older generation complaining about the upcoming generation. We are all familiar with the phrase, “Kids these days…”. But what if we point the finger too soon? There is nothing inherently different about kids today compared to kids in other generations. We make a mistake when we talk about a generation as though it fails to measure up to our standards. We need to learn to point the finger first at ourselves, to check whether we have provided parenting for the children of the upcoming generation which, if they would obey it, would promote their flourishing in the world. If we have not taught children to obey, then we must first reprove ourselves. Certainly, we should be careful before looking condescendingly upon the upcoming generation. What kind of influence have we had on them? Is there generational drift despite our godly and wise parenting, or is it in concert with faithless and foolish parenting?
Perhaps the most difficult thing about parenting is the fact that no parent can guarantee how children will turn out. Salvation is a work of God, not of mom or dad. There is no amount of godly parenting that will bring a child out of death in sin to life in Christ. Yet neither does God say that parents must ensure the salvation of their children. Parents are required to raise children in the Lord’s discipline and instruction, but that does not mean their children will repent and turn to Christ. Parents are responsible for raising and training, but the Lord is responsible for redeeming and sanctifying. Parents mix their responsibilities and God’s at their own peril.
No wonder parenting is so hard. It takes all we have, and yet, for all the good we can do in parenting, we cannot guarantee the one greatest good we most want for our children: their salvation. So, we must begin by remembering the limited scope of parenting. Parents are responsible for raising their children with authority and love, but ultimately they must turn over their children to God and entrust their precious children’s souls to their only hope in life and death, who is Christ Jesus. Parents, teach children to honor you, and pray the Lord uses that relationship to show them how to honor Him.