“Fathers,… bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” – Ephesians 6:4b (ESV) 

Any consideration of parenting must take into account the apostle Paul’s admonition to parents, specifically fathers, to bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Perhaps it is less than obvious to some that children must be raised. They must be “brought up.”  

What does Paul mean, more specifically? The specific word Paul uses here means to nurture, bring up, or nourish. It is only used twice in this form in the New Testament, in our passage and a few verses earlier in Ephesians 5:29. In that verse, we read how husbands nourish and cherish their own bodies, and they should do the same with their wives. Now we read that those husbands should nourish or bring up their children in the Lord´s discipline and instruction. Discipline and instruction will be the focus later. For now, how should Christians understand nurturing or bringing up their children? 

The first thing is to recognize that fathers have a responsibility. Surely it is significant that mothers are not called to do this. This does not mean that mothers should not also bring up their children. Of course they should. In Ephesians 5, wives are not commanded to love their husbands, but it would be silly to argue that wives are therefore free from the obligation to love. Mothers and their instruction are prominent in Proverbs, where the father admonishes his son to listen to both his father and his mother (e.g., Proverbs 1:8; 6:20). The call to fathers to bring up their children is a call for fatherly involvement.  

Does a pattern of a lack of fatherly involvement need to be proven? The tie between a mother and her child is more easily and firmly established than that between a father and his child. The mother carries her child for nine months in the womb, then goes through the travails and pain of labor to give birth. Then the mother typically spends a year or longer nursing the child. Children are so dependent that it is common for a mother and child to hardly be separated at all for the first two or three years of the child’s life.  

These are broad strokes, of course. There are innumerable exceptions to the pattern, yet everyone can recognize the pattern as typical. Where are the fathers in this? They are not necessary at all. If the father is going to be involved, then it must be on purpose. There must be intentionality. There must be initiative. The father must see himself as responsible for helping to raise the child. Ephesians 6:4 grounds this in a divine command. If fathers are going to be involved in the raising of their children, it will either be because of conviction or because the culture and structure of his life make it the most convenient option. Both are good, but the Christian father should be motivated by far more than cultural convention. The Christian father should be motivated by the conviction that his child is as much his responsibility as his wife’s. The child that God has given is for both of them to raise. The father cannot plead the excuse of a job, or lack of know-how, or lack of interest. The father should be materially involved in the raising of his child. When the Lord gives a child, the structure of the father’s life, so far as it depends on him, must adapt appropriately to the presence of the child. Fathers wrong to consider children an inconvenience to their careers, as though their careers, which are temporary and transient, are ultimately more important than their children, who bears God’s image and will exist into eternity (whether with the Lord or apart from Him). A father’s job is not a separate, individual pursuit, but part and parcel of the fulillment of the command in Genesis 1:27ff to multiply, fill the earth, subdue it, and exercise dominion over it. 

Sadly, fathers often do not know or care how God would have them involved in raising their children. Fatherlessness is a significant problem in the world, with one report showing that one in four children has no father figure in the home.[1] That statistic does not include broken families with shared custody, where a child is raised by both parents, but not together.

For those reading this, think of the difference in a child’s life between being raised by a mother and father and being raised only by the mother. Anyone who has raised or is raising children understands the comprehensive demands involved in raising children. Very few people would choose to raise children alone, and for good reason. It is exhausting, difficult, complicated, and, at times, overwhelming. When it is done by a single parent rather than one, or by primarily one gender and not the other, it is far more common for the mother to be raising the child, or even a grandmother, than for the father to do it. The difficulty of raising children makes the presence of both parents more necessary rather than less necessary. 

There are plenty of reasons why a father may not be involved in raising his child that are unavoidable. Death may take him, disease may cripple him, or disasters or war may separate them. However, these should be the exceptions rather than the rule. It is tragic and reprehensible that fatherlessness is so common, and not for good reasons. 

[1] https://www.americafirstpolicy.com/issues/20220825-fatherlessness-in-the-national-capital-region