Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32 (ESV)

In these posts about discipline, it is good to be reminded of Paul’s summary to the Ephesian church regarding how they should treat one another. Rather than being characterized by bitterness, anger, and related qualities, Christians should be marked by kindness, tenderheartedness, and forgiveness. This is a good reminder for parents in the midst of discipline. Sometimes, parents can become so exasperated by their children’s behavior and so committed to rooting out unwanted behaviors that the home can begin to feel something like a war zone. In a sense, it is. However, we parents sometimes fall prey to the lie that we should fight fire with fire. Our children are impertinent, so we become sarcastic. Our children take revenge on each other, and we become vindictive. Our children are disrespectful, and we humiliate them. Instead of responding to their childish sin with our own adult-ish sin, we should instead labor not to be overcome by evil, but to overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21). I give the following principles with these thoughts in mind. 

Discipline should include forgiveness by the parents

One of the things we teach our young children is to ask for forgiveness after being disciplined. I ask them to repeat a sentence in which I say something like, “Daddy, please forgive me for” and then add whatever they did. I then tell them that I forgive them and that I love them. This may not seem like a big deal, but it is. Forgiving a child shows them that the issue is now over. There is nothing more that needs to be done or said. I will not hold over their heads what they did, and they do not need to wallow in guilt and shame. The matter is covered. Forgiveness from us as parents is a key way to model the gospel to children. How many Christians still worry that their sins are not forgiven, that they must somehow work for a forgiveness and pardon which they can never hope to earn? Parents have an opportunity to mimic the forgiveness of God for our sins through Christ by showing children that when sins are forgiven, they are truly covered. Parents do not hold the sin over their children, or reject them, or treat them as shameful or guilty. There may be consequences for whatever the child did, but the disposition of the parents to the child is one of love and not condemnation.  

Discipline should look for godly sorrow and not worldly sorrow

We do not teach our children to say that they are sorry because most of the time it would be a lie. They are rarely sorry for what they have done. And when they do express some sort of sorrow, it is often unclear whether the sorrow is of the godly kind or the worldly kind.[1] Which sorrow it is should matter to parents, since the Bible places such a great emphasis on it. As parents think about discipline, many will recognize the temptation to attempt to force their children to feel sorrow for what they’ve done. The temptation to seek to control children’s reactions is one reason why parents berate, shame, and monologue. Parents can experience a sort of panic at the perceived inadequate reaction to something by a child, so they attempt to compensate by “pouring it on thick” or doing whatever they can to impress upon the child the seriousness of what they’ve done. However, parents should remember that no amount of yelling can awaken a spiritual corpse. Only the power of God is strong enough to cause sinners dead in their transgressions to come alive to God and see their sin in light of a true apprehension of God. 

Discipline should include reconciliation

Although we do not require our children to say they are sorry when they are not, we do require them to ask for forgiveness. It is one thing to require children to pretend to be sorry when they are not. How can that be a good thing? “I’m sorry” is not a confession. It is a statement about how someone feels. Why someone is sorry is what matters, and it may be good or bad, godly or worldly. Someone feeling of being sorry may be the kind that leads to life or the kind that leads to death. The words “I’m sorry” do not communicate anything helpful or definitive of themselves. Asking someone for forgiveness is very different. Someone does not have to feel sorry to ask for forgiveness. They may not care very much at all. But forgiveness is not centered on how someone feels. The kind of forgiveness in which someone asks another for it is a transaction. For parents, the key is what is being taught to the children. They are learning that, whether they feel bad or not, they need to ask for forgiveness for wrongs they have committed against another. Is there a more valuable habit to teach children than to recognize when they have done wrong, to admit it, and to seek forgiveness from the person they wronged? It’s near the top of the list. 

Discipline should include restitution

Sometimes, the best form discipline can take is in the form of restitution. By restitution, I mean the restoration of something lost. If a child loses or breaks something that belongs to a sibling, the child who lost or broke it should procure a replacement. We do not apply this principle rigidly. If the incident was clearly an accident, or there were other mitigating circumstances, restitution may not be necessary or wise. Generally, however, the principle of restitution is one that should be followed. It is an important lesson for children to learn as they grow up into adults. They learn in small and relatively harmless ways that when they break or lose something that belongs to someone else, they should expect to repair or replace it. In this way, they can prevent careless handling of some things with which they might otherwise be careless, such as a vehicle or an expensive device. This is not a small issue in parenting. Discipline in parenting is largely about preparing children for life as adults. The principles of restitution teach crucial principles of respect, honor, justice, and consideration of others. 

Discipline should include calls to repentance

As parents discipline their children, there should be more at play than mere correction of behavior. Parents should not be satisfied with behavior modification. Instead, they should be looking for heart change that only God can bring about. The words that parents use are very important for how children understand what is happening in discipline from their parents. Does who they are in their heart of hearts matter, or is outward conformity sufficient? Obviously, the biblical answer is that their heart of hearts matters most. If the heart is what matters most, then the heart should receive the most concern. As parents speak with their children, the focus should not be on outward conformity, as if looking better were all that mattered. Outward behavior should be used to trace the heart of children, so that parents can discuss and plead with their children at the level of the heart. Why do they do the things they do? Why do they want the things they want? Why do they think the things they think? Conversations at those levels prompt children to consider their ways, to think about the direction in which they are living. When parents push the conversations with their children in those directions, the language of repentance should come up naturally.

Conclusion

The principles for discipline in this post are intended to help parents remain within biblical bounds in their discipline of their children. If anything is clear from examining the ins and outs of discipline, it is that discipline is complicated and requires our whole selves to be devoted to the will of our heavenly Father more than our own. In all our discipline, our motto should not be, “My will be done,” nor should it be, “My child’s will be done,” but rather, “My heavenly Father’s will be done.” May these principles be encouraging and helpful to that end.

[1] 2 Corinthians 7:10: “For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death.” (ESV)