A wise son makes a glad father, but a foolish son is a sorrow to his mother. Proverbs 10:1 - (ESV)

In this section on discipline in parenting, it is good to remember the proverb above. It is a simple statement, yet also profound. In it is contained much wisdom for parents as they consider how to raise their children. This proverb helps parents to chart a basic course by describing the result that is hoped for. In this post, the focus is on a few more principles that help parents to discipline wisely.

Discipline should have clear goals

What does a parent want a child to become? This may be a surprisingly guilt-inducing question for many parents. Oftentimes, what frustrates us as parents about our children is not some wrong they have perpetrated against God, but some expectation of ours that our children have failed to meet. There are many potential idols associated with our children. We may demand that they grow up to be wealthy, and anything that threatens that goal, even at a young age, becomes the real motive for discipline. We may demand that our children be well-regarded, and so discipline them out of fear that they will not be. We may demand that our children pursue a certain career or type of career, and discipline them accordingly. The motivations can be subtle, but I will suggest this as a method for testing our own hearts as parents for why we discipline, and whether we are driven by fear or faith: the more I sense in my heart a fearful and anxious burden rather than a confident and joyful trust in the Lord, the more I should be concerned that I am disciplining more from fear than from faith. Think about it. What do I believe is threatened by my child’s poor behavior? If I discipline from some motivation other than their own good before the Lord and in terms that God Himself supports, then what is my discipline for? Am I serving my child in my discipline, or am I serving myself? I suspect, but do not know, that sometimes the reasons parents don’t discipline is because, in part, they sense mixed motives in their hearts. 

Parents should have tempered expectations about discipline

This is simply a point to remind parents that discipline does not in itself change hearts. Only God does. Parents who discipline in the hopes that their child will finally change have a misguided view of discipline. The same goes for parents who think that discipline should stop because it doesn’t “work.” What does that even mean? Should children who do not respond on the parents’ timeline therefore be allowed to do whatever they want? It is fascinating to think that parents sometimes draw arbitrary lines, intuitively deciding where to intervene and where to leave the child to his own devices. A problem with this is that the parent is simply deciding by himself what he thinks is acceptable. The implicit assumption is that there is something “extra” the parents were doing, but now they aren’t going to push anymore. Saying discipline doesn’t work is, in my view, the same as saying that raising children doesn’t work. This is because I view discipline in a broader sense than the particular means I use to respond to my children’s disobedience. Discipline describes my entire approach to raising my children. What parents mean when they say that discipline doesn’t work is that a particular technique or means they have tried does not produce the results they believe they should expect. However, it is one thing to say that something doesn’t work and it is another thing to eliminate all the possible reasons that a particular approach may not work. Instead of expecting a certain form or aspect of discipline will produce a certain response in a predictable and consistent way, parents should expect to need to adapt to the changing needs of the moment as they understand their children’s behavior and develop wise responses to it.

Discipline should take into account the unique disposition and characteristics of a child

Daughters are different from sons. Some children have very strong personalities that require stronger guidance and correction, while other children have very sensitive and malleable characters that are easily affected. This is one reason why there is no one-size-fits-all for discipline. It is silly and foolish to think that there is a specific prescription for all children that an author can prescribe based on scripture. People are too different. Children are unique. Some children need frequent correction and chastisement, while others only need light nudges. Parents should take these things into account in the discipline of their children. It is not about following a specific recipe, as though following certain steps will always yield the same result. Disciplining children is more complex than following steps to bake cookies. It requires wisdom. It requires prudence. It requires discretion and discernment in each situation to adjudicate and to reach a resolution.

Conclusion

The proverb at the head of this post says that a wise son makes a father glad. In the context of the proverbs, this is part of a reminder of a basic goal of parenting: for foolish children to grow up to be wise adults. If parents intend to lead children toward wisdom, then they must be wise themselves. This simple point is provocative and convicting, because every parent ought to be able to see that not everything they do is wise. We act foolishly in different aspects of life, such as in work, marriage, friendships, and parenting. If parents are going to help children grow up to be wise, they must be able to recognize wisdom and foolishness, not only in their children, but also in themselves as they parent and discipline. In other words, not all discipline is wise discipline, and parents must be seeking to discipline wisely so that their children might learn, not only from the discipline itself, but also from the wisdom of their parents in the manner in which the discipline is carried out. The proverb says that wise children make for glad parents. Speaking broadly, it can surely also be said that wise parenting makes for glad children.