The proverbs of Solomon. A wise son makes a glad father, but a foolish son is a sorrow to his mother. - Proverbs 10:1 (ESV)
In the last few posts on discipline, I have tried to give a practical guide to parents for how to think about disciplining their children, from a biblical definition of wisdom to hands-on ideas for how to apply biblical wisdom on discipline to raising children. This is my last post on discipline, so my plan here is to offer a few points by way of summary.
There are few things more pervasive in parenting than discipline
Discipline is everywhere in parenting. It is impossible to ignore. Discipline does not describe only those times that parents impose consequences for misbehavior. Discipline is the warp and woof of parenting. How you discipline your kids overlaps strongly with how you parent your children. Disciplining children involves the idea of the formation of the habits that make up daily life. This is because discipline is not just about imposing consequences; discipline is about the way that a person lives their life. Seen this way, even the lack of consequences is a form of discipline, but it is a kind of discipline that encourages (passively or actively) children in a way that parents may regret later.
Discipline is strongly connected to the gospel
How you discipline your children has everything to do with what you believe is best for them, what you believe they are, what you believe is wrong and right with them, and what you believe is their hope in this life. If you believe that Christ is their only hope in life and death, then you will act accordingly. You will not treat less significant things as the most significant thing. You will not make the most significant thing less significant. You will treat their ultimate well-being like their ultimate well-being and their temporary well-being as just that: temporary. You will be focused above all on their need for Christ Jesus and the redemption that only comes through Him. You will not be most worried about the job they have, or how they fit into society, what school they get into, what dangers they avoid, or how many friends they have. All of these things will matter, but the priority above all will be their relationship with the God who upholds their existence and gives them life and breath. What will they do with Christ? That will be your greatest preoccupation, and it will show. You will want above all what Scripture says they need above all, and Scripture will regulate and guide how you pursue it for them and with them.
Parents need to look to Scripture to understand how to think about disciplining their children.
One of the great errors made by parents is to expect to receive definitive guidance from sources outside the Bible for determining how to parent children. I say “definitive guidance” on purpose because I do not mean that parents will never find anything useful from sources outside the Bible. That would be ridiculous. However, when I say, “definitive guidance,” I mean to say that what is definitive comes from Scripture and what is supplemental or thought-provoking may come from outside Scripture. My point is that the Scriptures are sufficient for parenting. By sufficient, I mean that Scripture defines what parenting is, who and what parents are, who and what children are, and the goals of parenting. There are many, many books and other resources that purport to define parenting, parents, and children in alternate ways, but the only definitive, complete, authoritative, final source on parenting is Scripture.
All discipline should be done in love
This is no different from the rest of the Christian life. Christians are commanded to walk in love, as Christ loved us and gave himself for us. We are to be imitators of God in this way (according to Ephesians 5:1-2). However, the love of a father or mother for a child has unique characteristics compared to other relationships. The relationship between a child and a mother or father is not the exact same as their relationship between that parent and any other person. There is a unique responsibility laid upon the parent to care for the child, to bring the child up in the discipline and admonition of the Lord. Parenting is a unique stewardship, because it involves caring for a child from the very earliest days. The verse in Hebrews 12 should not be missed. What father is there who does not discipline his son? Only illegitimate children are not disciplined. This means that parents are motivated to discipline their children for their good. The relationship should not be characterized by fear and trembling. The relationship should be characterized by warmth, by affection, by the numerable and very expressions of love. And yes, in that context, appropriate discipline should also be administered, discipline that is painful for the moment.
Conclusion
In summary, I have tried to show that discipline does not have to be a scary thing for parents, but it is an intimidating thing. Discipline is an inescapable reality because all parents are forced to make decisions about the habits that make up their parenting and the reactions that they have to their children’s behavior. Ultimately, the goal in discipline is to point children in the way of flourishing so that they might live according to God’s design and in the fear of the Lord. Parents do not have total control over their children, but they can point them in the way to go. In the end, parents must entrust their children to the Lord, just as they have entrusted themselves to the Lord. Parents do not ultimately control their children. Parents are not omnipotent gods, but are stewards of precious souls whom God has entrusted to their care. Perhaps the most fundamental thing to point out about discipline is that parents do not simply get to decide how to discipline their children. They must do so in the fear of the Lord, seeking to honor and please the Lord in their discipline. Any other standard of discipline is sub-Christian.